I am throwing out the first pitch at the Blue Jays game on Monday. Against Cleveland, not that that is particularly relevant. Actually, Darren and I are throwing the first pitch, but since only one person can do the pitching, the honour goes to me, although Darren is by far the better athlete. I guess the feeling is that it’s cuter if I do it.

The problem is that I can’t really throw. Or catch, for that matter. Nor could I hit a ball with a bat if my life depended on it. I’m trying to imagine a scenario where my life depended on me hitting a base hit. Maybe some strange post-apocalyptic Hunger Game-esque situation. Best not to even think about it.

I am, in any case, a good sport, or at least I pretend to be one, so I will risk humiliation and do my best. I just spent half an hour playing catch in the park with my two sons, something I should have maybe done when they were little. I was never a good park mother. I left that to John, who happily pushed swings and climbed monkey bars and threw balls and wiped runny noses. Sometimes he’d even take the kids. Instead, I was the one who read to them, baked with them, played music with them, or took them to drama lessons (not that they needed lessons in drama.)

They are both good athletes, Aidan especially. Aidan has yet to find a sport he doesn’t like, and they all like him back. Hockey, basketball, soccer, track and field, sailing, golf, tennis, skiing. He has boxes of trophies store in the basement, and was Athlete of the Year when he graduated from high school. Ronan, it should be noted, won The Writer’s Award two years in a row. They were both happy to spend some time showing me how to pitch. Well, Aidan showed me how to pitch. Ronan wrote about it. I threw about 50 balls, most of which were catchable, before my shoulder seized and I had to go home and ice it and take an Advil and several medicinal glasses of wine.

So wish me luck. I know Marcus Stroman has nothing to worry about; I just hope I don’t actually hurt anyone, or disgrace my family and ancestors. OK… Blue Jays. Let’s. Play. Ball.

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