SPECTACLE

This is ridiculous. I have lost not one, not two, but three pairs of glasses. Not sunglasses, but regular prescription glasses. No, I don’t know where I left them.  Yes, I’m sure they will be in the last place I look.  In the mean time, I’m making do with contact lenses and the one pair of glasses I have left. They are from the nineties, and make me look like a Far Side character.

I have always needed glasses, although I haven’t always worn them. Somehow, I didn’t get an eye exam until I was almost 12. Until then, I though everyone looked at the world through a foggy scrim. I tried to sit in the front row at school as often as possible. Everyone thought I was a nerdy teacher’s pet (I was), but it was the only way I could see the blackboard. The day I got my glasses, I was stunned by how detailed the world was, how beautiful, and also, how grotesque. I sometimes still feel that way.

By the time I got to university, I decided the glasses had to go, because I wanted men to make passes. Unfortunately, at that time, contact lenses were not readily available to people with astigmatism, so, while I wore my glasses in class, I would whip them off to wander the halls, blind as a mole rat. This did not lead to men falling madly at my feet. In fact, I developed a reputation as a terrible snob, because people would wave or nod at me, and I would sail past them, oblivious. Nor would I wear my glasses when I finally did get asked out; as a result, every guy I dated in college looked something like this:

Eventually, improvements in polymer enabled me to wear contacts, but they were far from ideal. I only had one pair when I went backpacking around Europe, and lost the right one somewhere in Puglia. I spent the rest of the trip squinting at people and walking into trees. In some small towns, I believe they still talk about il pazzo bionda con uno occhio.

So, back to my missing spectacles. I don’t know how I have managed to lose three pairs, but they are not to be found, and I can’t go on like this much longer. I will simply have to get fitted for a new pair.  A pair that I will actually wear.  Because a lot of cool people rock glasses: Tina Fey … Jennifer Aniston … Megan Fox. I will probably look more like Kathleen Wynne.

Here’s looking at YOU!

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