Are you in love? Would you like to be? As I recall, being in love with someone is quite different from loving them. That fluttery feeling may seem like fun, but it isn’t necessarily LOVE – it’s often infatuation, lust or obsession. Falling in love is chemical, the result of elevated levels of dopamine. Being in love can be an addiction, leading to emotional and psychological instability, where you bounce between euphoria and depression, sleeplessness, anxiety, excitement and despair. Ideally, it leads to real and lasting love, where an emotional connection paves the way for a socially and economically stable union ideally created for the raising of children. At least that’s what I recall from a sociology course I took in university.

Regardless of what your love situation is, you might be interested in this experiment, which was devised 20 years ago by a psychologist named Arthur Aron, and popularized in an article that came out in The New York Times in 2015. The idea is that any two people can become in love with each other; it’s not so much an act of falling as it is a choice. The experiment involves two people sitting across from each other and asking each other 36 questions (in three sets) of increasing depth and intimacy,  followed by 4 minutes of silence, gazing into each other’s eyes. The whole thing takes about an hour, silent gazing included, and by the end of it, chances are you two crazy kids will be in love, or at least well on your way there. Want to give it a try?

First of all, you need a partner, obviously. Someone who is willing to spend an hour with you, let alone  the rest of their life, and frankly,  if you have that, you’re more than halfway there. Secondly, as with  anything else, you get out what you put into this. If you’re going to snicker and goof around, well, it probably won’t work, unless you really love snickering goofballs. Third, be careful who you do this with. If it really works, you may find yourself in love with a married co-worker, or a relative (ick).

Okay. All set? Here we go:

SET ONE

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

SET TWO

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

SET THREE

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  9. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  10. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  11. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

And now … four minutes of staring into each other’s eyes. It has to be 4, apparently, no more, no less. 2 minutes are terrifying, but with 4 you really get somewhere. So … squirm squirm squirm and then … bingo! Congratulations! Invite me to the wedding!

Seriously? I wish you love in any of its forms.

 

Read more Mo to Go HERE!

Have a comment? A suggestion? Just want to chat? You can email Mo here.

Listen to Darren & Mo weekday mornings from 5 to 9 on CHFI.

Filed under: Mo to Go, MoToGo